Thought Monologue


Ripped straight from the week’s headlines. Sorry, headlines.

1. A 53-year-old woman from Atlanta has the world’s largest natural breasts with a whopping bra size of 102ZZZ. Also in Atlanta, a record number of motor boating accidents.

2. Kim Kardashian’s ex-husband Kris Humphries just signed a $24 million deal that will have him playing for the New Jersey Nets for two more years. Or in other words, for 10 more marriages.

3. A new global study comparing IQ tests has found that for the first time, women have taken the lead over men. So, can you really blame us for leaving the lid up?

4. Two dogs, Baby Hope Diamond and Chilly Pasternak, were married in New York the other day. Surprisingly, the bride only ran away twice.

5. A funeral home in South Carolina is adding an on-site Starbucks to their facilities. Finally, a place for both dead people and dead careers.

6. It’s rumored that Mitt Romney is considering former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice for a major position in his campaign: second wife.

7. On four Delta Air Line flights from Amsterdam to the U.S., several passengers found sewing needles in their sandwiches. Which led one elderly passenger to say, “I’ll have what she’s having.”

8. It was recently announced that a top Google executive is leaving the company to become the CEO of Yahoo. First thing she did was google “How to fix a broken company.”

9. Scientists are close to wiping out the guinea worm parasite, making it only the second human disease to be completely eliminated. Which would explain why it just tweeted “#YOLO.”

10. At a campaign event, President Obama said that his favorite Girl Scout cookie is the thin mint. Afterwards, Romney declared Obama’s campaign to be pro-anorexia.

11. A hotel manager has replaced room copies of Gideons bible with the racy novel Fifty Shades of Grey. And for those in the penthouse suite, they can expect a top-of-the-line dungeon.

12. In the wake of the Jerry Sandusky child abuse scandal, Penn State critics are demanding a statue of the late coach Joe Paterno be taken down. Because after all, it just stood there.

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