Thoughts I Had The First Time I Fisted Someone


This feels amazing!

I totally get why guys like doing this with their penis. Whoa, imagine if my hand were a penis! THAT sensation must be so intense. Ugh, imagine if my hand were a penis?  Like I’m just trying to read a novel, but I have to hold it between two floppy penises?

Forget about conducting a proper skin regime. I’d basically just be slapping myself in the face with my penis-hands. I guess I should first dip them in some soapy water. You know what? Considering the lack of dexterity a penis has—especially when compared with a hand—I might also need to roll them around in something else, like breadcrumbs.

That way I could actually exfoliate. I can’t go five minutes without someone sounding the alarm about facial moisturizing, but people totally underestimate the important of exfoliating. Honestly, I don’t even know if wet breadcrumbs, adhered to a penis with soap residue, would do anything to remove impurities from my pores. Does Neutrogena sell some sort of penis-shaped scrubby glove?

Or what if I used a really bumpy condom? What is that called, a condom with moguls? Whatever, *I* know what I mean! Perhaps if the breadcrumbs were made of bread that was rough enough to slough off dead skin cells, it could work. In that case, I would have to use panko.

That means I’d have to go all the way to that Japanese market with the elevator on St. Marks. Wait, no I think University Food Market actually sells panko breadcrumbs now. Isn’t it weird how foods seem to randomly become trendy? I understand when it’s something delicious, like a cupcake, but how come kale is having a moment? What the hell is it about kale?

You need to focus. You’re fisting someone! Stop thinking about kale. See, now that’s exactly what you don’t want to do. Once you tell yourself to stop thinking about something it is impossible NOT to think about it. Kale. Kale. Kale. OMG!! Stop!

She’s looking at you. Make your face look like you are not thinking about kale right now. No, do a different thing with your face. She can definitely tell you are thinking about kale.

So what if I am? It’s not that this isn’t fun. It’s great! Honestly, why would you want to sleep with anyone if you thought her brain wasn’t powerful enough to enjoy sex and also think about a vegetable?

My leg is cramping. I need a different angle. I’m just going to slide down the bed. No this is a move. This is totally a move.  My leg is caught in the bed frame.

When does this become just punching her in an unusual place?

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