Thoughts I’ve Had While Nervously Watching The Toilet Water Rise


You know, I’ve never seen a sunrise.

I got cocky with that fifth sheet of toilet paper, didn’t I.

Water is so stupid.

I should have gone to grad school.

I’m actually not in the best place emotionally to handle this right now.

I’ve been saying it for years: Just make the fucking pipes bigger.

I should call my parents more.

Why am I being punished for maintaining a fiber-rich diet?

You know I’m actually doing these people a favor by highlighting a pretty severe plumbing issue.

I’m pretty sure I can slip out of this apartment without anyone seeing.

Huh. This is actually strangely beautiful.

I should have done a half-time flush. The environment can handle it.

Let’s see, what around here can I use to fashion a makeshift plunger, Apollo 13 style.

This is totally a metaphor for mounting student debt.

This is totally a metaphor for our country’s increasing political tensions.

This is totally a metaphor for the dangers of laissez-faire capitalism.

How can I pin this on someone else?

I shouldn’t have worn sandals.

I’m not a praying man, but …

I thought there was supposed to be a drought!

All of this has happened before, and all of this will happen again.

At least this isn’t one of those carpeted bathrooms.

There is nothing wrong with my eating habits I say. Nothing!

How absorbent are these decorative hand towels?

How absorbent is that shower curtain?

How absorbent is this box of cold medicine?

You never think it will happen to you … twice in one day.

Have I lived a good life?

Now everyone will know that I poop.

My horoscope did say that today I would be truly tested.

Maybe I should flush again.

I shouldn’t have done that.

Maybe a third flush will reset everything?


Maybe a fourth flush …

Well, this date is ruined.

Well, this potluck is ruined.

Well, this home birth is ruined.

Go back to the shadows!

Oh my god did that actually work?