What Kind Of Monster Are You?


This isn’t a quiz. I’m not here to waste your time or insult your intelligence. That’s what mid-level managers are for.  Unless I know you in reality—and I don’t—we are strangers. The one thing we both know is that you know you better than I know you.  So, you tell me:

What kind of monster are you?

(Circle one. Or several. I don’t know your life.)

1. Goblin

2. Ghoul

3. Someone who pronounces it “expresso”

4. Someone who makes a joke about being a giant whenever they drink espresso

5. Demon

6. Mid-level manager

7. Upper East Side prep school parent

8. Lower-level department store bathroom

9. Someone who uses the Internet in a lower-level department store bathroom

10. Someone who uses the Internet in any bathroom

11. Vampire

12. Witch

13. A live-Tweeter

14. An undead Tweeter

15. Warlock

16. Yeti

15. Wretched human being who doesn’t like Grease

16. Wretched human being who likes Grease 2

17. A Firestarter

18. A Floodstarter

19. Most Kickstarter campaigns

20. Banshee

21. Werewolf

22. Wine snob

23. Coffee snob

24. Food snob

25. Music snob

26. Book snob

27. Art snob

28. Someone who confuses preferences, hobbies, and culture with snobbery

29. Michael Myers

30. Jason Voorhees

31. Jason Priestly from that episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 where he cheated on Kelly with the guest writer at the newspaper

32. Someone who spoils Beverly Hills, 90210

33. Poltergeist

34. Clown who lives in the sewers

35. That guy who cut the line at Artichoke Pizza

36. Zombie

37. Frankenstein

38. Godzilla

39. Someone who has claimed to be “in love with love”

40. Someone who has claimed to be “in love with THE IDEA of another person”

41. Someone who has claimed not to watch television

42. Any Haunted Structure

43. Bigfoot

44. My loud neighbors

45. Medusa

46. Headless horseman

47. Head lice

48. People who send 10-second Snapchats

49. Bloody Mary

50. Beetlejuice

51. Hydra

52. People who attend musical festivals

53. People who attend parades

54. Homebodies

55. Gremlins

56. Predator

57. People who don’t start cooking dinner until you get there

58. Mr. Hyde

59. Succubus

60. Shapeshifters

61. The girl at this bar who rudely asked me to move so she could use the ATM that was actually a jukebox.