What Women Want In A Woman

Oh, I’m sorry. Did you come here looking for advice?  Perhaps you saw the title of this post and thought you might learn a little something about what women (yes, every single one) want in a woman. Well, I’ll be damned if I know. As a woman, a queer person, and a Blue Is the Warmest Color survivor—I’m stumped.

Well, I suppose, I am not entirely clueless.  My years of experience with women wanting things from me and wanting things from women, has produced a few breadcrumbs of knowledge to share with you.  However, I quickly ate them for sustenance. This is the only way to survive in the Lesbian Hunger Games—coming this fall to my sexual nightmares.

So, experiential breadcrumbs aside, I will use the only things I know that I can believe in: anecdotal evidence, nonsense, and television.

Here, now, are 10 things women want in a woman:

1. Women want a woman who has a head.  I’m not 100% on this, but I’m pretty sure.

2. Women want a woman who, inside their requisite head, possess a functioning brain—complete with storms—that operates most or all of the body systems to which it is attached. The brain should also makes thoughts, ideas, or jokes at the expense of boring things, pretense, and Kanye West.

3. Women want a woman who’s dad is Colin Firth and “whatever makes me happy/ sets you free.” Shit, no wait, sorry, that’s what a GIRL wants.

4. Women want a woman to have big time skills in the bedroom. So seek out some kind of woodworking course. Gather an assortment of handsaws, a wood lathe, assorted clamps and vices. Then craft a gorgeous rustic platform bed, upon which you should perform a circus of sexual feats to her amazement, delight, and completion.

5. This is based mostly on reality TV promos, and one calamitous wedding, but women seem to want a woman who will throw copious amounts of white wine at them.

6. Women want a woman who wants a relationship. Or who does not want a relationship. Or who wants several relationships. Or who wants to think about a relationship, but also, like, to not think about one. Okay, women want a woman who feels SOME WAY about a relationship. Check back with me later about this one; I’m really close to cracking it.

7. Women want a woman who will never say, “Well… how do you define ‘murder’?”

8. Women want a woman who exists. If you are a hallucination they probably won’t be that into you. Also, you must exist within their universe. They definitely don’t want you to be any kind of realm traveler or time jumper.   None of the ‘leaps’ you take to win their affection should be quantum.

9. Women want a woman who doesn’t play games or do drama, so choose your junior high afterschool activities very wisely.

10. Women want a woman who knows what she wants. They want to kidnap her, harvest her knowledge, and use it to produce infinity magazine articles inside of the laboratory at Maxim’s secret headquarters, located in the crotch of The Lincoln Memorial.