Why You Don’t Need A Wingman


I like to describe myself as wildly independent. Independent to the point where I could probably get stuck in a Tom-Hanks-Castaway-style situation and would just describe the whole thing as “I was fine, it was just a little boring.” I tend to hold my own, speak for myself, and fend for myself in the most awkward of situations. Very rarely do I ask for another woman to accompany me to the bathroom, unless I feel like I am at a super sketchy place. I am independent, I can speak for myself, and I am very much not in need of a “wingman/woman.”

I never thought I would be someone who would describe themselves as wanting to live a private life. Hell, I constantly update Facebook, Twitter – I’ve even divulged some of my deepest feelings on Thought Catalog without so much as a blink of an eye. But there are certain things I want to myself. Things that I don’t want people to insert themselves in. These things could range from the obvious, like my health and financial matters, but other things – like dating or issues with friends – can be complicated. The lines get blurred to who you can confide in, who you can trust not to spread your concerns, issues, life matters to anyone and everyone who’d hear it. For me personally, I have encountered this on a number of occasions with dating.

While I like to write about dating, talk about dating, think out loud about dating – there is only one other person I want to be involved in my dating life besides me: the person that I am dating. I remember looking back on my last relationship, and I did not tell anyone about it. Well, I didn’t tell anyone about it for a week. I didn’t even tell my mom or my best friend because I wanted to just enjoy the feeling of being with someone without other people’s opinions or input or issues with the whole situation. I simply wanted to live in the bliss of having someone without everyone asking, “So, what’s his deal? What does he look like? Where does he live? What is his Social Security number?”

When it comes down to it, if I really am working towards an honest to goodness relationship with someone, I rarely indulge the people around me with the details. The only exception is if it is something outrageously great or outrageously bad. You may hear their name and the basic fact that a prospective love interest exists, but really I kind of like to keep the progress of the relationship to myself. So you can imagine the frustration that proliferates when a friend slinks off to talk to your current crush about you without your request. All of a sudden, subtle flirtation or interest with someone becomes a BIG DEAL, and your game has been shot. You have no idea what they have said, and let’s face it, they’re going to deny saying anything. All of a sudden everyone gets weird and you’re on to your next prospect, begging and praying people will mind their own business.

You are just, quite honestly, not a fan of having an unsolicited wingman.

And not to say that having a mutual friend isn’t beneficial. I have had successful relationships all because someone that we both knew was there to reassure each other that we were still interested, or perhaps would drop hits that one of us should call the other. And that’s great! It’s also always wonderful to have a friend to be there for you when you decide to put yourself out there to a stranger at a bar – a true wingman, so to speak. But there is a difference between having a mutual friend or a true wingman who is looking out for you in a very abstract manner, versus someone who is inserting their “expertise” into your flirtation without it being warranted. Because when it comes to the game of love, it’s all about timing. If you just began talking to someone, perhaps it’s not the best time to have a friend intervene and be all like “So, are you guys going to get married now or what?” Stop yourself, friend. I love you, but don’t do that. If I want you to do that, I will ask.

At the end of the day, you know yourself the best. You don’t need someone to play cupid for you. You don’t need someone speaking for you when you do not ask them to. You do not need someone asking questions. What you need is to be confident in yourself, so when an unsolicited wingman or dramatic person gets involved in your love life, you have the strength to be better than that and move on.