Why Your Terrible Roommate Is Probably An Actual Beast From Hell
By Karen Noble
At first, I blamed myself. What was I doing wrong? Was I so subpar as a human? Was the way I’d always lived my life wrong and I just didn’t know it until she came around and rolled her eyes and let me know that “No. We wash dishes THIS way?” Was I raised by wolves? Jewish-Cuban wolves? (What would those even look like?)
But now I realize it’s not my fault. My roommate is just an actual beast from a hell dimension, posing as a person. It makes total sense.
It’s why she blasts music and TV so loudly — her ears work differently from a real humans. Maybe they’re shoved inside her butthole because of her hell-beast anatomy so it makes it very hard for her to hear at a normal volume. Can’t fault her for that.
She leaves dishes and crumbs everywhere because like Gremlins, water has adverse effects on her people. It’s basically their Kryptonite. It’s also why she never showers. I mean, who could blame her?
She writes crazy, threatening emails every day about minor infractions because she hasn’t been in this dimension long enough to know what proper communication between rational people is supposed to be like. That’s also why she leaves passive-aggressive notes on the fridge and door and bathroom mirror.
She makes it so you can’t bear to be in the apartment — by leaving filth around, smoking weed so everything reeks and by not spraying after she poops — because in her dimension, hell beasts love those smells so she actually thinks she’s doing you a favor. (Aw?)
She never cleans the apartment for the same reason. She thinks this is how you’re supposed to live.
She never leaves the apartment because I mean, how scary would it be to be in a different dimension, right?
She eats all your food because hell beasts have a different appetite than normal people.
Hell-beasts actually use toilet paper as currency which is why there’s always none left. She’s using it to pay for things in her own dimension.
She always leaves her wet clothes in the washing machine because wrinkles are the latest fashion trend for hell beasts.
She never pays rent on time because, remember? Toilet paper is money to them.
Standing over you while you’re working or watching something on your computer totally uninvited because it’s considered a compliment in the hell dimension to be interested in someone’s internet activities whether they want you looking at what they’re up to or not. So sweet!
She throws parties and never cleans up because again, hell-beasts don’t know that garbage isn’t also the preferred way for people in this dimension to live. She probably considers it ambiance.
She has sex on the shared furniture because well, I mean, look — she’s a hell-beast. What did you expect?
Well. Maybe not. But at least this would explain some of this behavior, right? I mean, there’s no way a human could be so inconsiderate, rude and gross. Right? Right?!