You Miss Me But I Don’t Give A Shit

Your life with me was garbage remember?

You found a place where the grass is greener. You found her in a moment when I wasn’t looking. Now you’re free from the terrible existence you were living before. Now you’re living a life where I no longer exist but happiness does right?

But that’s not true. You said what you needed to say in order to get out of here as unscathed as possible. But still, that didn’t stop you from punching in my numbers late at night and typing out a message you’d surely regret. The kind of message that you always regret in the morning. Because even though you hate to admit it, texting me ‘how are you’ is only a cover for the fact that you miss me. It’s only a matter of time before those three words slip out too.

Maybe it’s arrogant for me to say, but I know you miss me. I know because I know you. Scary, right? That the whole time we were together, I was paying attention. I was learning the pieces and quirks that make you who you are. I did it because I loved you. That in itself, that someone could really love you, is something that scared you so bad that you couldn’t handle it.

When it came time for you to leave, I shut my mouth and let you go. I didn’t fight you when you said you were going. I didn’t tell you to stop. I let you pack your shit and slam the door behind you. I didn’t want to make someone stay when they so badly wanted to escape.

I really hope that you’re happy with your decision. I hope that you’re proud of who you’re becoming and where you’re headed. Because if you’re not, then all of this is in vain. All of this pain that I’ve lived through since you crushed me and left me behind would be for nothing.

So, when you tell me you miss me, it reminds me that there’s a reason you’re not here and that reason is you.

But the thing is maybe you miss me, but I don’t give a shit.

What I miss, what I truly miss, is the person I was before you. The person who loved with reckless abandonment and believed in people. I miss the person who trusted everyone first instead of making them earn it. I miss the person who was ambitious and didn’t let little things affect her so deeply that it takes her longer to rebound.

So, you can’t tell me you miss me and expect me to reply with the same sentiment.

You can’t message me when I know that you’re living a new life with someone else. You can’t expect me to approve your life choices and be your sounding board anymore.

That just isn’t fair.

Does it even cross your mind at all that maybe instead of telling me you miss me that you should be apologizing?

But words fail both you and me. Instead of me telling you all of the things I should or even replying at all, I delete the messages. I try to start letting you go one more time.

Because again, while you may miss me, I don’t give a shit. Not anymore.