You Never Fully Left Me Because You Were Never Fully There

It’s so hard getting over you.

Trust me, I’ve done a lot of “getting overs” in my life. People come and go and mostly I’m left with no answers, no closure, nothing else but the comfort that maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, next month, l’ll get over it. And I always do. Time always heals things, or so they say. Maybe time just helps you forget. Either way, I always do end up getting over it, no matter how hurt I was.

But I’ve never had to get over somebody like you. Somebody who was never mine to begin with, but felt so much like a part of my life. Someone who still comes around at times, someone I still even see sometimes.

Someone that never fully leaves because they were never fully there in the first place.

Perhaps most of it is on me to blame. I am a black or white, all or nothing person. When a break-up occurs, although it hurts, there is a certain solace in knowing something has ended for good. It helps me grieve and move on when I understand that I probably won’t hear from that person in a long time, and even if I do, things will never be the same.

With you, I just can’t do that. Maybe it is on me to blame for choosing grey when I have always been black or white. Maybe it is on me for settling for an “almost” when I’ve always been all or nothing. But how do I move on when I still look forward from getting a message from you? How do I move on when I’m still looking forward for the day that you ask me to see you? I can’t move on when it never feels like something has ended between us, when it just feels like another hiatus, another few sad weeks before you contact me again and everything resumes in its natural state.

But maybe it is on you for making me feel this way in the first place. Maybe it is on you for leading me on with no intentions of ever being serious. Maybe it’s on you for being so afraid that we might actually become something. Maybe it’s on you for running away every single time. Maybe it’s on you for not having enough courage to tell me upfront what you felt and what your intentions were. Maybe it’s on you for sending me all those texts, for taking me out all those nights, for kissing me like you actually meant it.

I am still trying to be strong enough to get over you. I am still hoping to hear from you, but at the same time, I am hoping I’ll stop one day. There’s a lesson to be learned from all of this. Maybe you and I were never meant for each other. I once read a saying somewhere. It goes something like this:

“What is meant for you will reach you even if it is beneath two mountains. What isn’t meant for you won’t reach you even if it is between your two lips.”