Your Apple Terms And Conditions Agreement In The Year 2030
By Jonathan San
PAYMENTS AND REFUND POLICY
The iTunes Store, App Store, iBookstore, iWeapon, iOvaryBank, and iSlave services (“Services”) accept these forms of payment: credit cards issued by U.S. banks or Bro Bucks issued by The People’s Super Chill Republic of Dr. Ron Paul (“Rogue State”), payments through your PayPal, Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare, PizzaHub or CouchSurfing account, iTunes Cards, iTunes Store Certificates and the fresh blood of a recently slain human infant (“Lifeforce”) fed through the iVee external USB device to your iVee account manager (“Overlord”). If said Lifeforce is not readily available, the Lifeforce of a lesser creature (“The Elderly”) may be accepted, pursuant to all medical standards and the passing of iVee’s digital taste test, at a 1:10 exchange rate.
All sales and rentals of products are final. Lifeforce donations may be refunded at half the given volume, at the discretion of the Overlord.
Apple reserves the right to close accounts and request alternative forms of payment if a Gift Certificate, iTunes Card, or Lifeforce donation is fraudulently obtained or used on the Service. The use and cultivation of cloned Lifeforce material is strictly against iTunes policy but if you indulge in such practices, Apple recommends you try iToonz, a similar but inferior application, that is clone-friendly.
GIFTS
Apple does not believe in gifts, generosity, or other examples of good-Samaritan-ship in accordance with Grand Vizier Romney’s “Inhumanity Act Ver. 2.08.”
REQUIREMENTS FOR USE OF THE ITUNES SERVICE
This iTunes Service is available for human individuals between the ages of 13 and 80, and cybernetically enhanced persons who are running the THX1138 iOS. If you are 13 or older but under the age of 18, you should review this Agreement with your parent, guardian, or feral manservant to make sure that you understand it. If you are over the age of 80, please stay seated and one of our able technicians will be arriving shortly to deal with you.
The iTunes Service is available to you only in the United States, its territories and possessions, and the Rogue State. You agree not to use or attempt to use the iTunes Service from outside these locations under penalty of death. Apple may use mind-reading technologies to verify your compliance, sentience, World of Warcraft predilections and guild memberships, and fealty to Grand Vizier Romney.
NON-PRIVACY
When you opt in to the iDiot feature, Apple will immediately begin collecting any and all information to properly recommend the kind of media that will bring you the most enjoyment. This information can also be used by Apple Agents via judicial or military intervention in court, at weddings, preceding child adoptions, when deciding what to order at a restaurant, pre- and post-bris, and when suffering from “drunk goggles.” Such authority is pursuant to “Apple v. Everyone.”
OBJECTIONABLE MATERIAL
You understand that by using the iTunes Service, you may encounter material that could be deemed explicit, obscene, or psychologically damaging. Apple doesn’t care.
IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION
To avoid muscle pain, joint aches, partial or complete eye paralysis, facial torpidity, spontaneous and grotesque nose and ear bleeds, dissociative avatar/identity disorders and psycho-somatic freak-out sessions from use of the products offered through the iTunes Service, you should take frequent breaks. Of course, this is only applicable after the contractual eight hour daily iTunes commitment that is a part of this Agreement. Further, it should be reminded that if the required eight hours of daily iTunes usage is not met, the user must deliver forth the difference in Lifeforce donations.
During your breaks, Apple recommends using iBreak or iRest apps so that you are still connected to all of your media, albeit subconsciously, and so that Apple can monitor your brain waves for completely non-sinister reasons.
TERMINATION
If you fail, or Apple suspects that you have failed, to comply with any of the provisions of this Agreement, Apple, at its sole discretion, without notice to you may: (i) release a fleet of nano-assassins to contaminate your bloodstream and cause your untimely demise; and/or (ii) forcibly commandeer your device so that you emerge 100 days later in a vegetative state; and/or (iii) choose not to do anything, thereby plunging you into a state of paranoia and fear that would rival a terrible, painful death.
Apple may update its Services from time to time. When Apple changes the policy in a material way, your acceptance will immediately be transferred without any sort of notification. In this way, you are bound to the clauses detailed above for the duration of your life. If at any point you would like to opt out of these services, please download the newest version of iDie for a variety of Apple-approved ways to kill yourself.