Zac Efron Is Going To End The World

I am secure enough to admit that Zac Efron is a handsome man. I’m also insecure enough to say that he belongs on Mount Olympus somewhere between Zeus and Brad Pitt.

He has Jon Hamm’s voice, David Beckham’s Christlike abs, and the hair of an intrepid stallion. Compared to him, I look like a sea lion. But not only is he put together like a German car — after watching “That Awkward Moment” and “Neighbors” — I’ve found that he’s also funny. Shit.

Hollywood’s finest prototype is finally complete and now he’s ready to conquer.

Just like the Earth, celebrities are getting hotter. 40 years ago it was Burt Reynolds who turned your Grandma’s panties into wet sponge cake.
And since then heartthrobs have each appeared and evolved into a place a notch above the attractiveness of their predecessors. 40 years of this “National Selection” of sex symbols has led us to Zac Efron — the successor to Bradley Cooper.

Just what in the hell do Efron’s parents look like to even create something more attractive than Bradley Cooper? I’m afraid to google them for fear that I’ll never appreciate beauty again. Out of that fear, I’ll just assume his mom is Stacy Keibler and his “dad” was actually a sperm sample centrifuge of equal parts Jon Hamm, Jude Law, and Zach Galifianakis (for humor and spontaneity only).

But I digress. And hold hope onto another hypothesis…

If Zac Efron was begotten and not made, I could buy that. Because then the only way to escape his shadow would be to bask in it, and turn him into a Messiah.

And if you can’t beat them, praise them? Right?

Instead of resorting to a Tom Brady or LeBron James man-hate level of slander, let’s not be intimidated by Zac Efron’s premium appearance. Let’s accept that he’s exponentially better looking than us and wish him the best. Let’s say “good goin’ Zac!” whenever he gets a role in another movie aimed squarely at 18-25 year olds. Or post a smile on our face whenever he shows up in a magazine spread, and throw him an “attaboy.” Let’s let our pride swell as his stock rises.

So what if his 5 o’clock shadow shows up an hour early for “sensual measures?” It’s not his fault. So what if he has icy blue eyes that can turn puppy-dog hazel faster than your girlfriend can dump you over Facebook? That’s the beauty of beautiful mutation. And so what if he wastes zero letters in his name? The man is just efficient, that’s all.

Now I’m not saying we should start a t-shirt campaign titled “Boners for Efron!” I’m just saying don’t blame the guy. For years he’s been a female tween icon, and now we wants to expand his brand onto nearly-as-impressionable 18-30 year old men. The more power to him. And I say, let him have us! (His new movies seriously are funny).