50 Signs You Are Leslie Knope
By Gaby Dunn
1. You get way too excited about your local government, even when no one else is enthused.
2. You care about your job almost as much as you care about your friends.
3. You have a long-standing grudge against a teenage hooligan in your town.
4. You type long essays or books on town history entirely from memory.
5. You advise your friends not to make sex last too long because girls don’t like that.
6. Your heroes are Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Rodham Clinton and Madeleine Albright.
7. Your favorite activities are Model UN, Debate Club, Forensics and Mock Trial.
8. Even when you’re sick with the flu, you can’t stop working.
9. You regularly go above and beyond for people because you are optimistic and determined. You never half-ass anything.
10. You love waffles.
11. You think of people complaining or criticizing you as people “caring loudly at you.”
12. You hate salads, libraries and the town next to your town.
13. You have a female friend you would probably take a bullet for, and you call her “beautiful” all the time.
14. You like to roleplay political situations during sex.
15. Your mom is a superstar in the field you want to work in and so you’re constantly trying to impress her — until she hits on your boyfriend when you bring him to meet her.
16. You’d consider moving to San Diego for Louis CK.
17. You like being in charge of huge projects and will succeed no matter what obstacles are in your way.
18. A tiny pony is the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen.
19. You started out hating your boyfriend and calling him a “jerk” for being cold and analytical but then you worked it out and are now (OMG TYPO SORRY FIXED) a perfect couple.
20. You want to date your lightbulb but your boss is making it impossible with his interoffice rules. You just want to make out with the lightbulb you like!
21. You want to do everything you can to better the world around you, and your friends appreciate it so much they’re willing to work with you in the spare time for no money.
22. You sign up for a dating site and get your annoying co-worker as a perfect match. Ugh.
23. You believe in hoes before bros, uteruses before duderuses, ovaries before brovaries.
24. You strongly believe no one can accomplish anything alone.
25. You’ve gotten drunk before an interview.
26. You don’t understand why anyone eats anything but breakfast food.
27. You have sex dreams about Joe Biden.
28. You always remember birthdays and love to give people the perfect gift, tailor made for them.
29. You know all the words to “Parents Just Don’t Understand.”
30. You have “sneakaround clothes.”
31. You love candy, especially candy necklaces.
32. When you give interviews to the newspaper, you talk in a weird 1940s newsie voice and make a lot of puns.
33. You make excuses for shooting someone in the head accidentally by claiming your period is to blame.
34. If you found out your friends’ boyfriend might be cheating on her, you’d do recon and report back to her immediately in solidarity.
35. Your friend paints you as a topless goddess and you love it so much, you steal the painting.
36. You are a local gay icon, for marrying two penguins at the zoo.
37. You’re a drunk crier.
38. When you’re trying not to hook up with someone inappropriate, you make a crazy mix CD of very unsexy songs.
39. You hate Twilight. You love Harry Potter.
40. Your body pillow looks like Daniel Craig, but it’s just for your lower back.
41. Every year, you host a Galentine’s Day brunch for your friends, complete with gift bags and romantic stories from your mom.
42. You’re not afraid to call out and stand up to misogynists, even if they are visiting from your sister city in Venezuela.
43. You get so nervous on first dates that you think “Parades” are a good conversation topic.
44. You wouldn’t kill an innocent possum, if you couldn’t prove he was the one who bit the mayor’s dog.
45. You want to reward young women for their intelligence and savvy, even if they aren’t “classically hot.”
46. You’ve never smoked pot but you did eat a brownie once that made you feel like you were floating. It was not a pot brownie.
47. If you had a stripper name it would be Equality. That’s how feminist you are.
48. If you want to rent a movie with nudity in it, you go two towns over. Just in case.
49. In high school, they used to call you Angela Lansbury… because of your haircut.
50. The thing about youth culture is, you do not understand it.