What Your Shirt Says About You

Abercrombie

I have a massive CD storage binder in the backseat of my Camry.

J Crew

My breath reeks of Starbucks coffee.

Polo Ralph Lauren

I have a very conservative ideology mapped out by my Father.

American Eagle

My parents drove me here.

Express

The going price for plaid is 64 dollars.

Lacoste

I’m a real asshole to play sports with.

Banana Republic

I am never farther than 2 months away from a Jack Johnson concert.

H & M

I have no idea why this shirt is inexpensive.

Nike

I think that Scott Van Pelt is a God.

Armani

I don’t know how grass gets trimmed.

Affliction

I’d apply hair gel even if I were bald.

RVCA

Life is a Rave, and I am the Glow; it’s time for another group photo.

Puma

I play wayyyy too much soccer for my age.

Ecko

I wear heavy boots in the Summer.

Chaps

I really don’t care how wrinkled my shirt gets.

Nautica

I think that 55-year-old man walking his Golden Retriever is dressed nice.

Guess

I stopped trend-hunting in 1991.

Aeropostale

I came here straight from high school.

Izod

My mom said I could get anything I wanted from JCPenney.

Adidas

All day I dream about saying something to a girl, but then don’t.

Alfani

My boss wears Van Heusen.

Tommy Hilfiger

I was on a boat once.

L.L. Bean

I spent three years trying to become a Magician.

Vineyard Vines

I don’t know what color my pants will be tomorrow.

Old Navy

This shirt was 6 dollars. Fuck Off.

Tapout

My testosterone level is somewhere between Mark Wahlberg and “Mountain Gorilla.”

Champion

I play basketball in windpants.

Hurley

It’s always Spring Break somewhere.

Billabong

This shirt makes my arms look even skinnier.

Hollister

Life is a beach you wear shitty cologne to a place where you open beer bottles with your flip flops.

Quiksilver

I’m looking for a chill Roxy gurl who digs my bike pegs.

Diesel

I’ve shaved everywhere.