A Foolproof Recipe For Ruining Your Life


Create a fake Instagram account for the sole purpose of stalking your crush (is crush still the viable word when referring to the one who holds your fancy?).

Convince yourself that getting a business degree is a good idea even though math never quite clicked for you. Then brag to all your friends and family that you are getting a business degree so that you can “navigate business” better. Once you have gotten into business administration, become very distracted during class and do a poor job of taking notes thinking that you can rely solely on your intuition. Fail all of your exams.

Then in the midst of accounting class, have a break down, call your mom freaking out, and change your major to English. Pursue a career in the entertainment business. Specifically the part where you’re the actual performer, the more competitive aspect of the business. Start your career bright eyed with the nativity of any young performer thinking that you’ve got what it takes. Move into the big city with no sort of direct on where to go or what to do. Once you realize that you may or may not have what it takes, refuse to turn back. Your high school year book quote was out of your favorite movie so if you turn back now, everyone will know. Commit to it.

Burn all your bridges. Why? Because you know better than everyone. Everyone thinks they know whats good for you, but that’s a lie. They don’t. Make sure when you do burn your bridges, do so in a cavalier way. Lots of fanfare.

Eat your feelings. Eat all of your feelings. Eat the good ones. Eat the bad ones. Just eat every feeling.

Tell yourself that you’re “above it all.” Not sure exact what “it all” is, but you’re above all of it.

Dedicate all of your free time to something non-constructive, like Netflix. Become deluged in a show that will have you hooked from the start, a show that will dictate your life and limit your productivity.

Fall in love with someone that you can never realistically have. Celebrities are one thing, but falling in love with someone you know personally and still can’t have is best. Why? Because they’re in your life and you still can’t have them. Nothing tears the heart apart more than that.

Convince yourself that you are both happy and content with life even though there’s a good chance you’re not.

Will someone to notice you by making him the subject of all your essays.