A Letter To My Present And Future Self

There you are, empty and left alone once again….

Having to see you go through these emotional rollercoasters for years, your friends and I believe that you are capable to ride through this storm again but the fact that you are always falling into the same pattern even though you knew exactly what you’re supposed to do for yourself is frustrating for us all to bear.

I know it has always been difficult for you to think logically when it comes to affairs of the heart. I know that your self-worth has once again hit rock bottom when you get tangled up in toxic and almost relationships and then they leave you just like that. I know you question yourself if you were ever enough for someone you love but the truth is that the problem lies in your inability to prevent these people from coming into your life and draining your soul away.

You are naïve and possibly really ignorant to keep thinking that if you give your all to each and everyone that comes into your life, they would stay and when they don’t, you feel that you are to blame because you think that you could have done more to make each of them stay. Don’t you see that you are putting yourself right back into the vicious cycle of repeating the same mistakes each and every time?

The world is filled with good, bad and the unintentional cruel people. Neither of the bad nor the unintentional cruel people deserves you because they will drain your life and soul away eventually. As cliché as it may sound, you have to love yourself first before attempting to get close to anyone, especially when it involves people who aren’t emotionally available because sometimes people only reveal their true selves after a period of time and you need to be able to cut these people off immediately when the odds are against you and not blindly close your eyes even when the red flags are all over for you to see.

You need to understand that your priority in life isn’t about bringing people out from their emotional baggage or to ‘cure’ them of their own issues. You need to get it in your head that you too have issues because you let them in when you are emotionally unstable and it may be largely due to your loneliness and misconception that you are filling your void by filling theirs too with love. I’m not saying that your ability to empathise with others is a bad trait but it will work against you in this world as humans will most definitely use it against you, knowing that you will always be there for them, giving your all without having to put in any effort to fight for you.

I wish that someday you would be genuinely happy without having to go through these dark days on repeat. I wish that you would truly come out of the shell and be who you really are, happy and alone without any interference from anyone that may obstruct your path towards recovery, self-discovery and happiness.

I wish that someday someone truly deserving of your love would love you as much or more than you love him or her and that your life would just be like the rainbow after the rain.

I hope that you would stop blaming the universe and yourself for these experiences, stop whining and actually start building high walls around you to keep those unworthy out of your life because in that way you will know who truly matters and cares enough to climb over the walls that you have built to protect yourself.

More importantly, I hope you will understand that your life is never going to be this bad forever. Yes, you may have gone through far more toxic relationships and almost relationships than every other individual out there but that does not mean that your life will forever be dictated by these negative relationships. Know your self-worth; know that you are a beautiful human being because you are just so kind and full of empathy. Know that you truly deserve someone who shows you his or her effort in wanting you to be a part of his or her life and that when they come, you will never have to doubt yourself ever again.