All the Apple Products I’ve Ever Owned

By

iMac G4 (2002 Model)

The iMac G4 seemed like an alien piece of hardware. The base was a dome, and a chrome arm stuck out of the top, holding the LCD screen. I really liked this computer. It was sturdy and futuristic-looking enough to make me feel like I was entering sweet commands into a really fast spaceship.

The few years I owned this computer I drank and went dancing every night. I had fun spending money on overpriced drinks and rubbing my erection on women at the club.

For my birthday one year, I decided it would be fun to “go hard” and wear a nice suit and go to the club and take ecstasy. I remember very little other than lots of sweat and waking up in the middle of the night to pee all over my desk and this computer.

I sold this computer to a close friend. My brother still uses the desk.

Apple Display (x3)

The general sentiment about Apple’s displays is that they are overpriced. I have owned three, and every one I would consider to have given me the least amount of buyer’s remorse out of all of the Apple products I have bought. They last a very long time for me.

My guilt when buying an Apple product can easily be measured in the amount of time that passes between upgrades. The less time that passes, the shittier of a person I think I am.

I like having all of the new features of the latest future-trash, but I feel extreme guilt for buying something like an iPhone when I could just as easily keep an slightly outdated iPhone until it explodes. Instead, I buy into a terrible cycle that creates wars in the Congo and dumps all over India. I am the asshole who needs more goddamn DPI and the ability to video chat my private parts to my wife. The woman needs to be reminded of how awesome my penis is. Children of the world, enjoy the mercury!

iPod Shuffle (x2)

My first iPod Shuffle seemed really small at the time. It came with a lanyard, which broke in less than a month. I’m not sure why I thought it was ever a good idea to wear something with a lanyard.

I think I might have used my second iPod Shuffle a total of four times. I fucked it up by trying to install some form of Linux on it. I’ve got no clue why I was doing that, or how much I wanted to escape my life at the time.

12″ PowerBook (2004)

Everything about this computer felt much more well constructed than any computer I’d owned. There were plenty of ports, and the slot-loading disc drive on the side was nice. This was also the first laptop I used as a primary computer.

The 12″ PowerBook was optimized for porn viewing. I watched a lot of porn on this computer. It was small and full featured. Flash started to get really popular around the time I bought this computer, which was also around the time it became popular to hate George W. Bush. That one video with the puppet-looking John Kerry and George Bush dancing likely led to everyone installing Flash on their computers which, in turn, led to a lot of porn viewing. I am making all of this up, but my memory says this is what happened.

I gave this computer to a close friend two years ago, and she still uses it.