All the Apple Products I’ve Ever Owned

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Airport (x5)

I was in my car and on my way to buy an Airport Express when my lung collapsed. I decided to go ahead with the purchase, partially because I wasn’t sure what was happening to me, and partially because I had driven 45 minutes in traffic to get to the computer store.

While I was waiting for the service guy to open the glass case where they put the Airport Express boxes, I was sweating heavily and resting the full weight of my body on the case. After ten minutes, the service guy returned with his keys and opened the glass case. He walked me to the front. I was in a kind of pain comparable to a mild heart attack, from what doctors have told me.

The woman in front of me was paying for batteries and an iPod case with change. Halfway through the transaction, I was leaning up against the soda refrigerator in the checkout line. My lung was filling with fluid. The woman decided she did not want the iPod case, and the cashier decided to go ahead and check me out.

I stumbled out to my car and opened the door using my left hand, which was functional, and drove home slowly. I called my mother and told her how I felt, and she told me to go to the hospital. Instead, I went home and smoked weed.

Later, I had thoracoscopic surgery.

Airports have been easy to use over the years. I’ve had problems with them, but when I’ve attempted to use other wireless routers, the experience has been worse.

Apple TV (x3)

No clue why I bought any of these.

MacBook Pro (x3)

The MacBook Pro was the first Apple computer to have an Intel processor. Up until this computer, Macs had a problem with acceptance by people because they were perceived to be underpowered and too expensive. Apple computers are still perceived to be too expensive, but it was different when there wasn’t anything to directly compare them to, spec-wise. With an Intel processor you can tell your bros the few extra hundred you spend is because Macs are “easier to use, dog,” and you could still run Windows if you wanted to, and your bros will be cool with it. Before Apple switched to Intel, your bros would be all like “you’re crazy, dog,” and “Windows XP is adequate and more affordable.”

I’ve owned three MacBook Pros and they’ve all been nice computers. I had cool cases to put them in, and they would very rarely leave my desk. Generally, I used them with an external monitor and a keyboard and mouse. I like working at a desk, and do not like sitting at coffee shops. Coffee is cheaper at home and I like wearing pajamas. Working on my bed or couch feels like shitting outside.

Every MacBook Pro I’ve owned has been well constructed and dependable. I have fucked most of them up, but that is because I always want to do upgrades and other weird shit myself, which is a mistake.

Apple Mice (x5)

If I could go back in time, I would use that power to have sex with myself. I would also, after having sex with myself, kill the person that thought one button on a mouse was acceptable.

I’ve suffered through all of these mice because I apparently hate myself, and held out hope for a better world of Apple mice. The latest mouse, the Magic Mouse, is the best mouse I have ever used. It does not make up for years of pain.

The other person that thought a tiny ball nipple made a sweet fucking scroll wheel should also get stabbed on the street.