All the Apple Products I’ve Ever Owned
By Anonymous
iPhone (x4)
I waited in line for three hours to but the first iPhone. My wife and coworkers made fun of me. I felt really cool for the first few days of ownership, but the next few months were really terrible. Everybody wanted to touch my phone and put my phone near their face. I had to justify my purchase to everybody, every time I pulled the iPhone out of my pocket. I was an advertising representative for a major multinational computer company, and I payed for the privilege.
The first iPhone was exceptional in build quality, and felt great to use.
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I upgraded to the second iPhone because I was with my wife when she bought hers. We waited in line with our newborn son in the mall. I had planned on skipping the upgrade, but after an hour in line I changed my mind. I felt terrible for upgrading, and still have negative feelings about this purchase.
The iPhone 3G was a huge deal because it had 3G, which meant it was really fast compared to the original iPhone. It was not a big deal because, subjectively, that was its only improvement. The camera was marginally better, the processor was marginally better, and the hardware was not nearly as satisfying.
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I have a problem with not enjoying technology after I buy it. The high I get is from unboxing things. It’s a release. I buy something, and it’s new and fresh, and I take it home, or sometimes I don’t even get home, I just open it in my car. I open the thing, I peel off the wrapping and I start to get really high. I pull the box apart and it feels good. I get high. I’m high at this point, and the box is open. I am looking at the insides of the box, and seeing what it is that I have bought. This thing I bought at the AT&T store near the giant freeway. I’m in my car near the giant freeway, and I’m looking at this phone I just spent $300 on, and I feel great, like I just ate pancakes or a burger or a burger that has a pancake for a bun or something. I go home and I plug it into my computer. I activate it. I spend many hours looking at it, and I smell the inside of the box. And I’m still high. I still feel high, but not as high as before.
Eventually I mess with the phone’s software to a degree that makes the phone practically unusable for anyone but myself. This also feels good. I spend hours and days of my life looking at the object, at the iPhone 3GS, and really understanding it. I eventually give it to my wife and buy another phone.
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The iPhone 4 has glass in the front and back, and a silver aluminum band, acting as an antenna, around its edge. Steve Jobs compared it to a Leica camera.
Since it is my current phone, it is the best phone I have ever owned. I have, at times, argued the virtues of no fewer than six cellphones. Your life is in a terrible place when you feel that it is necessary to argue the virtues of a cellphone.
It’s a nice phone. I wrote some of this article on it. I like to read books on it. I’ve used it to make quick edits to websites. I am dependent on my iPhone for life. I would rather have my phone than my iPad, computer, television, and/or car. I would rather have a testicle surgically removed than use a regular phone again. It would take an offer of at least $200,000 for me to throw my iPhone into a river and agree to never buy another one.
The one thought I have when I buy a new piece of technology, specifically a phone, is this will be the thing that dies with me. If I die, I will not see the model that comes after this. I will never know anything better or more advanced, and this will be it. I think this weekly, whether it’s when I’m playing solitaire or reading a book, or even just looking at the people who post naked pictures on Twitter. I think, “I am going to die, and this will be the physical object that describes me best.”
MacBook Air (2008)
I sold this computer for $500 to an Asian man who spent fifteen minutes rubbing-down the screen with a Starbucks napkin and looking for flaws.
Mac Mini (2009)
I bought the Mac Mini to serve as a media center for the family television. I decided that I was going to torrent children’s television shows, and spent about ten hours downloading and cataloging the various seasons of Peppa Pig, Yo Gabba Gabba, and The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I looked up specific episode names on Wikipedia. I made sure they were in the correct order.
The Mac Mini is my current desktop computer. My children rarely watch the shows I downloaded. I spend a lot of time talking about robots with my 2-year old son. Money got tight and I sold my laptop to buy nine months worth of earth-friendly diapers. I clean human pee off of the ground and watch Monsters, Inc. four times a week on Netflix.
iPad
I made a deal at the beginning of 2010 with my wife. The deal was, if I was able to stop myself from buying any electronics for all of 2010, we would go on a moderately-priced but enjoyable vacation.
The iPad was a product that had been rumored about on Apple message boards and forums for well over five years. When Apple would make an announcement that they had a big announcement to make, people on message boards and forums would make baseless claims that an Apple tablet was going to be released, maybe Photoshop a photo of it, and cite some source who smoked weed with a dude at Best Buy or something.
The iPad was the gadget that broke the vacation deal. I had four months left.
Originally, I laughed at the iPad. It had a funny name, and was 100% a giant iPhone. I had been waiting years for this product, and it seemed underwhelming. I would stay up late reading about it on gadget blogs and thinking about how dumb it was. I would express skepticism about it, saying that I would wait for the first revision next year before buying it. I wanted a camera and a better display, I would tell people.
I went to a Greek cafe with my wife. Across the cafe was a man who had his iPhone and iPad out on the counter and was using them both at the same time. Another, much younger man sat down next to him and showed obvious interest in the iPad that the older man was using. The younger man pulled out his iPhone. The older man handed the younger man the iPad and pointed at it.
These men were making the Apple products have sex with each other. The iPhone humping the iPad from behind. The young man’s iPhone going on a date with the older man’s iPhone, and eventually leaving the Greek cafe to go home and have hot sex. Here were two grown men taking erotic Polaroids of the iPad, in front of a restaurant full of children.
I poked my wife and laughed at the two men. I was able to see myself, and it was funny. My wife also laughed.
We are not going on a moderately-priced but enjoyable vacation.