Here’s Your Weekly Garbage Horoscope


ARIES (March 20 – April 19): You will brush your teeth with milk by mistake… at first.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): You will think about learning the harpsichord, but then think better of it.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): You will adopt a child…’s sense of entitlement.

CANCER (June 21 – July 21): You will get a haircut. No, not that hair.

LEO (July 22 – Aug. 22): You hate fire. Therefore that is EXACTLY what your daughter will date.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): You will discover Golden Graham’s aren’t as good as you remember after you sleep with someone you shouldn’t have and then text a friend about one of those two topics. The text will contain emoji.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): You are having nightmares about being an old tooth.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): You will take hits from the ’80s and make ’em sound completely sane.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 20): You’re nice. But you could be nicer.

CAPRICORN. (Dec. 21 – Jan. 19): You will get a haircut from a barber named Barbara. He will do an amazing job.

AQUARIUS. (Jan. 20 – Feb. 17): You will go far in life. Then you will stop playing so many board games and actually go achieve something.

PISCES. (Feb. 18 – March 19): You will be loved… is the chorus to a Maroon 5 song. You? I don’t know what’s gonna happen there.