How To Accept That Your Eyebrows Will Never Be On Fleek


I feel like I woke up randomly the other day and suddenly everybody had these awesome, dark, perfectly arched eyebrows. I have no idea where this trend came from, but I also have no idea why it took us so long to get here. I mean, damn, full eyebrows look really good.

We’ve come a long way in the eyebrow game, from our well thought-out rituals of shaving off our eyebrows and drawing them back on with pencils, to that furry thing we had going on in the late eighties all thanks to Madonna Louise Ciccone, or, as I personally know her, Madonna.

Now, it’s all about the thick, full eyebrow. Something I’m personally a big fan of, even though I’ve come to the devastating and life-altering conclusion that I will never be able to get my eyebrows to look like that.

I tried, for a sad period of time. Not touching them for a while, then trying to artfully pluck them in a way that would ultimately result in me waking up and looking like Cara Delevingne. Instead, my eyebrows were just like, “girl, no.”

There’s nothing wrong with them. They’re just kind of there. Brown. Straight.  Eyebrow-esque. Preventing sweat, debris, and moisture from falling into my eyeballs so that my vision remains clear. Allowing me to use nonverbal communication and show fellow humans that I’m sad, happy, angry, or constipated. You know, that kind of thing.

They’re like The CW of my face: not really that interesting, not critically praised, but something to watch if you get bored. Not exactly the best metaphor, but I’m still annoyed with The CW for letting Gossip Girl continue on for so long and for deciding at the last minute that Dan Humphrey was Gossip Girl. Come on, The CW, you’re (kind of) better than that.

It was a long journey, but I finally accepted that my eyebrow game will never be strong. It was a brutal truth, of course, but one I had to learn to accept so that I didn’t ultimately fulfill my desire of getting an eyebrow transplant. Instead, I’ve learned to just enjoy this new eyebrow trend while it’s here and not take it too seriously, since these things come and go like a Kris Jenner morning talk show.

Just like any other beauty trend, this eyebrow trend will soon give way to something “bigger and better.” And then that one will give way just as quickly to something even “more bigger” and “more better.” I’m real good at grammar.

This is how the fashion and beauty industry work. It’s a constant chase and a constant game of making women feel like there’s something about them that’s wrong, something about them that’s missing, and something about them that needs to be changed if they’re ever going to have a chance of attaining the physical beauty requirements that have been placed upon them. It’s like running on a treadmill. You’re just running and running and chasing and never getting anywhere. No matter how much effort you put forth, you’re just staying in one place, and all the while, you’re forced to watch Dr. Phil on the small tv above you talk about how he’s been in the practice for years and how lucky this screwed-up family is to be granted his wisdom. One part of this simile doesn’t really make any sense, but I will not be clarifying which part.

You can change your appearance as often as you want, but for the most part, measuring up to today’s beauty standards is always going to be something you can’t control. It’s always going to be arbitrary. It’s always going to come out of nowhere. Sometimes the #thighgap is a thing. Sometimes a long, graceful neck becomes the new obsession. Sometimes you have the exact physical characteristic that millions of other women will start pining for and paying for, and sometimes you won’t. Trying to keep up with the ever-changing beauty game is just a waste of time.

It’s better to just appreciate what you have, and appreciate other women for what they have. There’s always going to be something you have that other women want. There’s always going to be something other women have that you’ll want. Attaining it will never make you happy, because as soon as you do, you’ll just find something else to start pining for instead. So let the beauty trends come as they may, but spend your precious time on this planet doing something that actually adds some wholeness to your life.

That being said, if having a pointy nose and looking like you belong in Whoville ever becomes the next big trend, I’ll finally be beautiful!!!!!! <3