It Took Losing You To Find Myself

You liked my photo and it brought me back. It brought me back to the same place I always go when I think about you. I would look for your name when I posted a Snapchat or Instagram story. I wanted to be relevant in your life; I didn’t want to give you the chance to forget me.

You see, I loved you with every fiber of my being, and I thought that was enough. I thought the way I loved you would be enough for you to always want to be with me — for me to always want to be with you.

I believed you when you told me that you would always love me. I believed you because, in my heart, I never saw myself falling out of love with you. It didn’t matter to me what you had put me through because I loved you, and that was all that mattered. This codependency was my fault. You broke me, but you also healed me.

You see, when I saw you with another girl just a few weeks after telling me that you would always love me, I was devastated. So naturally, I just told myself what I wanted to hear: That this new girl meant nothing to you and you still loved me.

Then you started showing up more and more in this girl’s life. You snapped pictures of her, put her in your Instagram stories, and brought her around your friends. My first instinct was to meticulously monitor all of your social media activity. I scoured over everything you posted. I looked at this new girl’s accounts too. I allowed myself to be hurt over and over again. I refused to block you, allowing me to still be hung up on you. In a way, I felt like I needed to still keep tabs on you.

Every step forward became five steps back when I saw you post something. You knew this would hurt me and you kept flaunting this new lust in my face. I was so hurt and I wanted you to know that it was your fault.

The hardest pill to swallow was that I was the one allowing myself to be hurt over and over again. I did not need to follow you on social media, and I did not need to obsess over every aspect of your life. I thought I needed closure. I thought if we could just meet up and talk, everything would come flooding back and we both could go back to the way were. The problem was that we could NEVER go back. You knew that before I came to the realization.

I guess I will never know if the years we spent together were real to you. Looking back, I know there were so many different elements at play. You were my first relationship, my first love. I wanted it to work so badly because you were all I had ever known. It wasn’t fair to you, or to me, to get my self-worth from you.

It was a rainy Sunday afternoon when I decided that I was enough, that I mattered. I decided that I didn’t need to keep tabs on your life anymore. I decided that your life is your own, and so is mine. I blocked your number and your social media accounts because I deserve clarity. I finally realized that clarity wasn’t going to be a conversation but a decision to move forward on my own terms.

Some days I allow myself to cry over our story. I allow myself to mourn what I lost. No matter how painful and toxic what we had was, I will never regret it. I know in my heart that I loved you and gave you my entire heart. I’m grateful to know that I am able to experience that kind of love.

In the end, you have shown me how strong I am. I never in my wildest dreams saw a life without you in it. I never thought I would have the strength to block you. I never thought that I would be able to stand on my own the way that I have.

I thought I needed to hate you to move on, but I finally understand that all I needed to do was to start to love me. I am terrified of letting anyone else in and falling in love again. However, I am now more whole a person than I ever have been. You see, you have taught me that I can never expect that my happiness and self-worth come from another person.

I am not going to lie and tell you that I don’t have moments of weakness, because I do. When the self-doubt and sadness becomes overwhelming, I have to remind myself that I have decided to choose myself.

Not everyone you lose is a loss, and sometimes you end up gaining so much more. Sometimes in the middle of heartbreak and brokenness, you find yourself.