This Is How I Choose To Cope With Fear


Some people are so passionate. So full of love. Sometimes it may even seem like they have almost too much of it. And they’re not afraid of showing it either. They love and they love hard. And they’re not shy about it. Not at all. At times it may even seem like they’re overflowing with all this love and all this passion. It might even get annoying. And that’s sad. Because people will never understand. It’s sad when someone has so much to offer and yet, they hardly get any of it back. Maybe it’s because people tend to misunderstand. 

Then there are others who love just as passionately but they don’t show it. They’re shyer and quieter about it. But that doesn’t mean they don’t love just as much. They just choose not to be so open about it. Maybe they’re afraid. Maybe they’re just not comfortable or confident enough. Maybe, like me, they don’t trust easily and they’re unsure. Though I wouldn’t really call myself a passionate lover. I do however have actual problems with showing and receiving affection of any sort. I can’t even get myself to tell my mother I love her. Even that is too much for me. 

I choose to believe that people who don’t love at all are non-existent. Because that’s not possible. Everybody loves at some point in his or her life. Even for a while. Even if just for a little bit. 

I have loved and I have loved and I have loved, but I do not believe in it. I don’t believe in it being everlasting. Especially when it’s for another person. Because how is that possible? How do you love another human being for the rest of your life? How do you put that much trust in someone? How do you do that without even a single drop of doubt? How do you look someone in the eye, tell them you love them and mean it? How are you ever so sure about your feelings, ever? How does anyone spend the rest of their lives with one single person? And how do you know if that person is the one you are meant to spend the rest of your life with? How are you sure? And if I am meant to find someone and spend the entirety of the rest of my life with said person, then when will I find that person and how? A small part of me expects to see and or feel some form of actual electricity shooting from each of our eyes. Obviously, that’s not going to happen and I surely hope it doesn’t either. Might just be slightly terrifying. Slightly. 

Either way, when it comes to non-believers like me who also lack trust (tragic, I know), the game is more or less usually the same. 

There’s always the push and the pull. And the push, and the pull and the pull and the pull and then the giving up and the half-hearted pull and then the final, hard, push. But it’s a different kind of push. It’s a push that ensures safety. Or at least I’d like to see it as safety. It’s the push that leads to the never coming back. It’s a difficult push but for some reason, it’s my push. It’s always my push and it will always be my push. 

There’s the fooling around and the mind games and the false alarms and the almosts and the what-ifs. There’s uncertainty and the things you aren’t sure of and will never be sure of. There’s the laughing and the opening up and the letting in. There’s the trust and the sharing and the believing. And that’s the difficult part but give it some time and it may happen. And if it doesn’t, then give it more time. Give it as much time as is needed and I assure you, it will happen. Because as much as I find it difficult to trust others, I also trust them too easily. It’s complicated and it might not make sense but it is what it is. 

There are so many things. So many things and so much at risk. So much to lose. So how do people make it look so easy? How do you go round just picking others out and knowing they’re the ones for you? How are people so comfortable with letting person after person in when the last one didn’t work out? It’s literally showing people your most vulnerable parts, your most dark secrets, and then letting them go when they realise that you’re not what they’re looking for. How do people do all of that with so much ease? How is anyone strong enough for that sort of rejection over and over again? 

I choose not to. I am not strong enough for something like that. And maybe I should just never try because it doesn’t matter. Everybody leaves in the end. I choose to never have to deal with that sort of pain.