When You Feel Like You Are Repulsive To Everyone You Meet

So you’ve hit it – the point in which absolutely no one is interested in you. And, quite frankly, you’re not interested in anyone either. At first it is refreshing. You have been through a long list of past flings, dates, and relationships that did not work out for whatever reason. You’ve just about had it. You embrace this time to grow yourself, do things that interest you, and improve.

After a couple of just downright depressing dating experiences last spring, I took a little bit of a break from that scene. In a way, I decided to quarantine myself from the opposite sex because I needed some time for myself to refresh and grow. Throughout this time, I had lost some weight, worked on my writing and comedic endeavors, and now was finally ready to jump back into the world of dating. Nothing crazy – just finally putting my “I’m emotionally available” hat back on again.

I have a clearer vision now of who I am and what I want, but I’ve also kept an open mind about the different people and the kinds of relationships I’m looking for. During this time, I’ve tried to have a new attitude when it comes to meeting new people. But the problem is, I’ve had trouble meeting any new people, or really any person who would appreciate me for me.

Last weekend, I walked into a bar with a bunch of my friends. I was at my lowest weight since last year, hair and makeup on fleek – I felt hot. But then, this guy took one look at me and said to his friend, “We should go,” and then looked right back at me in the most judging manner, as if I did not belong in the bar that I had walked into. How dare I put myself in their presence? How could someone as lowly, ugly, and awful as I stand in front of these two men in a public establishment?

I wasn’t even interested in them. I hadn’t even opened my mouth to say a word, or had even given them a second glance. I literally was just standing in the same room as these two people, and didn’t even know how someone could just take one look and be disgusted with me. After a couple of instances of hearing similar looks and comments, witnessing people of interest indirectly reject me, and watching even some of the weirdest people make connections with others, my self-esteem just broke. I had been in situations in which I was rejected by people who I would have “settled” for. I knowingly knew I could do better, and they apparently felt the same way and passed me a long for someone else.

After all of this, I felt repulsive to the opposite sex.

After making a lot of positive change in my life, I couldn’t help but question the person that I have grown happy to become. Was there something that I was doing? Was there something that I wasn’t doing? Maybe I actually do smell bad? There was just only so much of this garbage that one person could take.

And then I realized that it wasn’t quite me. There was nothing quite wrong with me, personally. But perhaps I was in the wrong places, at the wrong times, and around the wrong people. I was just not their cup of tea, and quite honestly, I didn’t quite find them all that great either. But I knew in my heart that I was a person who had grown and improved in the last few months. It was just having the patience to realize that some people won’t see you for that, and you just have to brush them off as people not worth your time or effort.

And maybe I am just not their type. And that’s fine. Judging on the people I have run into, I wouldn’t want to be categorized as “their type.” And I’m fine with not being that kind of girl because at the end of the day, I would never change myself to fit into the idea that someone else has in their mind of “perfect.”

And quite honestly, I shouldn’t be taking into account the opinions or approval of those who do not hold any stakes in my life and happiness. But when you are not looking for feedback, and then receive it quite negatively, it can make you feel pretty torn up about yourself. And no, I didn’t grow up to feel like a “special snowflake” that some people like to accuse my generation of. But who actually likes to feel rejected in any circumstance? Who likes to feel like they aren’t good enough for someone or something?

Life is hard in the in the big city – there are just so many people with so many different preferences and styles and wants and needs. It is just a matter of figuring out how your preferences, styles, wants, and needs align with other people. Whether it’s just one date, or someone to dance with, or a relationship that lasts…sometimes you just have to have a little patience to find something worth your time. From all of this, I have learned to just be me and embrace the people that make you feel like “the sun shines out of your ass,” and to ignore the people who don’t see you as the great person that you are.