Wife Material, Vol. 1: Jennifer Lawrence
By Gaby Dunn
So I know Chelsea Fagan has Husband Material on lock, but I could be silent no longer as the arrows of lust bounded from the quiver of my bosom. Guys. It’s time we had “Wife Material” and it’s time that first wife was Queen of Everything Jennifer Lawrence. I am in love. She’s smoking hot: gorgeous hair, stunning face, tiny waist and round hips, which as any rapper knows, is ideal. (Anyone hating on her body in Hunger Games is blind and the worst. Step. Off.) Did you see the red dress she wore to the 83rd Academy Awards? Bombshell. She’s also effin’ hilarious. In interviews, she’s candid and smart and self-deprecating and self-aware. Also, I just watched Winter’s Bone on Netflix Instant and she’s such a good actress and oh god, just marry me please.
Name: Jennifer Lawrence
Age: 21
Occupation: Actress, bucket of laughs, sarcastic wunderkind, somehow simultaneously sexy and adorable.
Description: Jennifer Lawrence came out of nowhere (okay, not really, but it seemed like it) with an Oscar nomination at 20, the second youngest person to be nominated in the Best Actress category, for her amazing performance in Winter’s Bone. She transitioned from tough girl living in the Ozarks to the alluring and seductive Mystique in the blockbuster X-Men: First Class (which I actually really enjoyed)! She then went back to her roots in a little movie called Like Crazy which premiered at Sundance 2011. Girl can act in everything! Next, she skyrocketed into the mainstream, playing strong heroine Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games franchise. So basically, she is flawless. Flaw. Less.
Benefits to Marriage: You get to have sex with Jennifer Lawrence. Did you see that Madrid El Hormiguero interview where she fired a bow and arrow while wearing high heels? I popped twelve boners and I don’t even have one boner. Beyond the superficial, she just seems like the coolest person. She flails around, is quick with jokes, doesn’t censor herself and just is a “real” girl instead of a typical Hollywood starlet. (She called herself a “troll” on camera, so she doesn’t seem to get how pretty she is.) If you married her, she’d be an awesome person to hang out with for the rest of your life. It’d be a chill, hilarious marriage.
Drawbacks: She’s got an Oscar nomination at age 21 — and sometime during your marriage, she’ll probably win that little golden statue. If you don’t have much going on in your life, marrying Jennifer Lawrence, and having a row of awards in your house that aren’t for you, might make you feel totally lazy and inadequate. She also wears heels that regularly make her co-star Josh Hutcherson look itty-bitty on the red carpet and she does not have any f-cks to give. If you’re insecure about that kind of thing, kindly exit stage left. You may want to give marrying Jennifer a second thought if you’re an animal rights activist too — she famously told PETA to screw after they protested her skinning a dead squirrel in Winter’s Bone, saying she was acting and it was necessary for the movie. Don’t be surprised if marrying Jennifer, who doesn’t seem to have a filter, comes with controversy.
You Must Be: Fun, funny, witty, relaxed, ready to roll with the punches, comfortable with yourself (she got naked the first time she ever met Zoe Kravitz), open to honest conversations with no brain filter, and physically fit. (Girlfriend trained hard to be in The Hunger Games and there are two more movies, so don’t be out of shape if you want to keep up with your wife.)
The Dowry Jennifer Brings: Infinite golden strands of hair woven from pure silk, a barrel of laughs, a future Oscar statue, zillions of Hunger Games fans, two awesome boobs and one even awesomer personality. Plus, if you’re down with both genders, she brings along boyfriend Nicholas Hoult, which…not bad. Not bad indeed.