6 Brutal Truths About Getting Older


So, I’m getting old. That’s pretty cool, I guess. No, no it isn’t!  Here are 6 Reasons why getting older is a real bitch. Don’t blow this off if you feel like you’re young and vibrant. NO ONE IS SAFE! Consider this your warning.

1. Strange Hair Growth

This is more of a hair invasion than it is growth. It literally invades the entire body. It just shows up in your ear like, “no we just grow here now; deal with it.” The “bonus” hair growth results into extra sweatiness, which in turn ripples into perpetual grossness. Hell, I’m sweating right now just writing. So, ladies, if you’re into the balding bear look; I’m here waiting.

2. Metabolism

Your metabolism just sort of decides it doesn’t want to work as hard anymore. You might say it’s very “me-like.” This sort of happens out of nowhere. Your youthful physique dissipates, and then you’re stuck in a fluctuating process between fat and super fat. That is unless you exercise, which I don’t. As the old saying goes, “eat, drink, and be self-loathing.”

3. Life Hangovers

These happen whether you had a sip of alcohol or not. I’ll wake up thinking, “what did I do last night,” then I’ll recall binge watching Pretty Little Liars while wiping kettle chips out of my bed, so I could sleep without enduring any puncture wounds. This is my real life, people. Anyway, be prepared to feel like you partied with Bieber without the drinking or the shame of partying with Bieber. Just kidding, there’s totally shame.


4. Chores With Repercussions

This one’s a real bummer. You have to like, do stuff, and there’s nobody else to bail you out.  Oh, you want to wear clean clothes on a regular basis? Get this! You have to actually do laundry. Stupid, I know. I live by the Pete Venkman method of doing laundry. Every once in a while, I just wrap myself up in an old Joe Namath sweatshirt and gallivant about the house. There are a million other things you have to do as well. I’m honestly getting upset. All I want is a nap and some snacks, but there are gutters to clean, or something shitty like that.


5. Weird Penis Things

It’s just a mess down there. It lives in lagoon like humidity, and even though I pamper it (groom it or take it for ice cream), I still wouldn’t want to play with it if I were a lady.  It only works at full capacity part time now, AND on ITS terms. It must have a time share in Florida, or something. You can’t just take penis pills, either. You get temporary Restless Leg Syndrome from the switch in blood flow. I swear to you this is true. I know from experience.


6. Mystery Bruises

What the fuck’s their deal? I’ll go to take a shower, and on my leg is a giant bruise that looks like Cat Osterman beamed me with a softball. Maybe she snuck in at night and did beam me with a softball. I have no evidence to argue against this theory. Knees are also more susceptible to coffee table corners as we age. I can’t just stand up like a normal person and go on about my business. No. I have to hit my knee on the sharpest point of the table, which assuredly is made from some sort of African witch doctor cedar, and then writhe in pain on the ground for 45-minutes, screaming curse words in a Scandinavian dialect that just sounds like I’m reading an IKEA catalog. KLORGEN FLURK! MY HOOSENVARKEN! Then, the pain just subsides. Maybe that’s just me being an idiot, but at least take note.