Top 10 Bleakest Unpublished Blog Posts of 2009

9. “Ramblingly Bleak” (November 27)

Seems analytical and focused on concrete things, to some degree, a sign of decreased bleakness. Refreshingly, the word “bleak” seems missing from this blog post. Focus on “raw organic vegan food” seems anti-bleak, as does repeated use of the word “scary.”

In terms of a dinner-party in a mansion I imagine the word “bleak” staying upstairs, awake in darkness on its bed under blankets, listening to Sunny Day Real Estate at a low volume through earphones; the word “scary” downstairs, saying things about its depression and relationship problems, smoking cigarettes and occasionally feeling excited about life.

raw organic vegan food

this post is designed to cause people googling ‘raw organic vegan food’ or similar things to find this blog

i believe people interested in raw organic vegan food would have some kind of interest in my writing, maybe

raw organic veganism is scary to me, it seems like selling all my possessions and giving my money to a charity and moving into the forest or to live on a farm, without internet access or a cell phone; training for ten years in an isolated institute funded by the government to be an astronaut that lives alone in outer space for the rest of my life; or living in africa and being in a tribe that values long necks and adding rings to my neck each year to make my neck longer

in that i know that based on what i seem to view as ‘desirable’ in life, in the most comprehensive and long-term sense, it would seem ‘obvious’ that i would want to eat only raw organic vegan food

but it is still somehow very scary to me

it is honestly scary, in that i feel like crying if i think about it too much

i think because if i sold all my possessions and moved into the forest i wouldn’t be able to come back and use my macbook in my room, it would be like resigning myself to death, in an illogical manner however, since i know that i already am resigned to death

in the same manner if i only ate raw organic vegan food i wouldn’t be able to eat a cupcake or noodles or something

which seems scary and, in some manners, somehow against what i view as ‘desirable’ in life, in that i seem to view ‘not caring’ or viewing things existentially and in a relative manner as ‘desirable’

seems like a paradox

seems like i may have alienated many raw organic vegans in this blog post

i feel afraid of 100% of anything, maybe

100% of anything is the most effective belief system perhaps though in terms of doing something

a christian who is ‘faking it’ will not be as effective in converting people to christianity maybe than a christian who is 100% believing in him or herself

100% unself-aware devotion to something is perhaps the most effective worldview to have to accomplish a task

in each moment a person can choose to ‘move in one direction’ or ‘move in another direction’

a raw organic vegan diet seems to me to be an ‘obvious and clear and “unignorable” movement in one direction,’ which leads (when one behaves and thinks historically, or derives meaning via ‘movement,’ in life, by comparing one’s actions to one’s previous actions, to measure ‘productivity’ or ‘progress’) to more movement in that direction

meaning becoming more and more extreme in one’s level of health

until eventually, inevitably, one spends 100% of one’s actions and thoughts on trying to extend one’s lifespan, in order to ‘create’ more time to accomodate more actions and thoughts, etc.

i honestly feel like hiding in a closet and crying when i think about this for too long