eHarmony Minority Report
By Jimmy Chen
Hispanic Dating – Marίa Martina Lucia-Alvarez looks oddly Persian, as if in some perverse way to invoke the subliminal Muslim (of Islam, which many Americans think is a country). Our world has gotten far too complicated to simply refer to Hispanics, Arabs, Asian-Indians, and Native Americans as “brown,” despite the accuracy of that color, since they’re destroying the very fabric of this great country in their respective unique ways. From immigration, to terrorism, to Indian buffets, to casinos and alcoholism, we’re all going to die. This, by the way, is all typed out on Marίa’s tramp stamp. Girl’s got back, now you got a burning sensation when you pee. What can’t brown do for you?